Hiatus

I took a longer hiatus than expected. Yes, I know its nothing massive. But I wanted to be pretty consistant on here. Problem was, I had nothing to say. Weird, I know. haha. But life has just been the same shit, every day. Wake up, grudgingly head into work. Somehow make it through work without killing anyone. Head home extremely anxiety riddled. Eat, maybe exercise, sleep. Fucksakes, I hate when thats all my existence is. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, talking and thinking.

Couple of things that I may touch upon in this post: pot (weed, Mary J, whatever), Mexican Party night, and headaches WITH anxiety.

I have been having a LOT of headaches recently. And heartburn. Mostly because of the tic connected with the anxiety, and I have broken out like a pubescent teen. On my face, and shoulders. Also mostly stress related. I fucking hate it. Its also bringing down my self-esteem. I think I look ugly, so I feel ugly.

I have generally had one view on pot in the past couple of years. I don't see the point in it. REALLY don't see why people would waste so much money on it (yes, I used to smoke cigarettes and paid money for that, but in comparision, its a LOT cheaper than weed), and it was one of the major problems in my extemely failed, and doomed past relationship. Which last 3 years. 3 Fucking Wonderful Years of Hell. So I have, on very few occasions, tried it. Kinda see what the hype is about.
Now first let me just point out that the first time I had ever smoked Weed was unbeknownst by me, and cunningly known by my ex-fucking-liar boyfriend. (I'm not bitter, honest!)

So anyhow, I have tried it a couple times since. I do not have good reactions. Plain and simple. Fuck you morons who says that I am not. Are you in my fucking head? In my fucking body? No. Go sit on an electric pole. So last time I tripped. In my way anyhow. And I hated it. Fuck that. No more. I. Don't. Care. I don't even want to smell it. And don't show up thinking you can smoke sessions with me.

Now, last night was a neighbourhood party, hosted by the most amazing person. She is definitely the hostess with the mostest. There was amazing food. Amazing (homemade!) desserts, and a pinata!!!! That I got to hit! Although this muthafucka was solid like a rock! I ended up breaking some of the things inside it and not the actual pinata! haha Including hitting it off the string and onto the ground!

But it was fun. I did have a good time. And I tihnk I have resolved that I do not wish to smoke again. Although I have been having the cravings (especially at work, just to get away I think). But I dont want to stink again. Or not have money.

Sigh. Hmm, did I actually have enough to fill a post? Interesting.
So I guess I shall go now, enjoy the remnants of the headache. Maybe go to sleep? That would be wise. Got the doctor appointment of Hell tomorrow. Should be an instant morning headache just trying to talk to the fucking 'tard. See if he can finish telling me whatever his thought is within maybe 5 to 10 minutes as oppose to 30 minutes?

Ta-ta until then.

(Unwillingly) Born-Again Virgin

I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never get laid again.

Pretty powerful statement, but for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. And believe me when I say that it is NOT for a lack of trying. Over a year now, OVER! I feel like decking any of my friends who sidle up to me (or text):

"Man, I totally need to get some. Its been so long"

"Ugh, I am going crazy. Need to get laid"

"I cant believe how long it has been!"

All this in reference to a couple months of dryness. A COUPLE OF MONTHS. How about all of you go fuck yourselves! Oh, and when I respond accordingly, "Yea, boo-fucking-hoo. Call me when its been over a year.", I get the response:

"Aww Hun! How do you do it?"

Like its some fucking choice? An allergic reaction to something that I must sustain from? Are you all fucking retarded? Do you THINK I like it this way??

I have had drunk moments, sweet moments, sensual moments. Any lead to some major whoopee for me? Not a chance. Am I that repulsive? Years ago, I couldn’t turn around without an opportunity hitting me in the face (sometimes a little too literally)…What has happened to me? Is the only way to get some to be completely slutty and have no self-respect for oneself?

*sigh* So, I have been feeling like a Born-Again Virgin. Yup. *shudder*

No. I am not religious in any fashion. I have not suddenly discovered a renewed friendship/following/cult-like adoration in a deity. Far from it, actually. But, with going so long, things MUST have gotten, ahem, tighter? I am probably tighter than a naïve 12 year old schoolgirl! (Think Madeline, sweet little french schoolgirl, always up to some silly antics. I am telling you, this chick probably grew up to be into some sick shit. S&M being mild!)

Hmm. Maybe this will just mean that when I do finally get it, it should feel fucking amazing, right?? Oh, and all you small dickers, you need not apply. I am yearning pretty badly, but not desperately!

Thank you. Have a nice day.

I am going to Hell...

I have multiple mosquito bites, little fuckers.  That's what I get, I guess, from walking through a ravine in warm weather. But I digress. That is not why I am going to Hell.

I have to start with the fact that half a block away, lives a young man, that for all intensive purpose, we shall call him Mr. Can't-Get-The-Hint, until I can think up of a much more cleaver name for him! He really never gets the hint/signal/clue that people pop out at him left, right and center! He constantly over steps your threshold of comfort. Constantly.

So today, while my momma and I took Chloe on her evening walk, we stopped at a house just a street over that has a young pup (year old) named Max. We like Max, Chloe likes Max, Max likes us. Max's people like us and we them. Mr. Can't-Get-The-Hint shows up with his dog. Not trained dog at that. That's besides the point. Mom and I instantly cringe as he approached. So we stayed and chatted (with Max's parents) and then, when I could see his dog intently focused on Max, I took my chance.
Me: "Oh, guess we outta head on out for our walk!"
Mom: "Ya, we better go..."
Mr. Can't-Get-The-Hint: "Ok, we'll (him & his untrained dog) catch up."
Mom: (Under her braethe)"I don't think so!"
And then we proceeded to powerwalk and try our very very very best to make sure he wasn't following us!!! And then we proceeded to talk about him, all through the walk. Even worried we might run into him on our way back! We actually pondered the best route to take to avoid running into him!

It wasn't until we were a few houses away from home when I made the statement. After every corner, every street, we checked, and creeped...oh god.

"We are SO going to Hell!"

And he is waiting for me

:( Yup, I am not perfect. Never have claimed to be. But I do try to be a tolerant person. Have friends of different race, religion, interests! And Mr. Can't-Get-The-Hint is nice, has good intentions, which is probably why I feel the occasionally twinge of guilt. But let's face the facts, I will still try and do the duck-and-hide next time round he comes into view!

So, I hope that seat in Hell is nice and warm for me...

Marble to Glass, Not All that Fast!

The building of my workplace is getting a facelift. A much needed facelift. Marble for ALL 72 stories (floors) was a great idea – back in the 60s! Canadian weather and climate is not kind to marble. It bends, its chips, it falls off and nearly kills people below on the street. The facelift is much needed and long overdue. Fortunately, the building is being VERY environmentally friendly through this whole process.

Now, because of the facelift, and in order to put in the new GLASS panels (it looks really sleek, beautiful and clean), the old LARGE marble slabs have to come off. This involves a lot of drilling. Lots and lots of loud, penetrating to the brain drilling. It is annoying. I won't deny that fact. You would have to be deaf to not be affected by the noise. But really, why must I suffer through this noise AND peoples' constant comments?

"Holy that is loud!"

"Wow, that is awful!"

"Is it going to be as loud as yesterday, again?!"

"If you think its loud in here, you should hear it out in the corridor!"

Gee, no thanks. I am pretty sure that the sound of drilling doesn't actually change (not talking bout volume) with the passage through a doorway.

It's fucking obvious people! We don't need minute by minute commentary. You think I haven’t noticed the striking of metal to marble?? And no, there is no way around it. Suck it up Buttercup!

Quite frankly, I am in actual awe of the work. Kudos to those men who are currently 46-fucking-stories above the road, and lots and lots of concrete below to break their fall, not too mention other things! (Ouch!) – and HELL! They started on the 72nd floor, HELL, they even went HIGHER than that in order to anchor the damn "Scaffolding Floors" to the building!!! And they started all this in JANUARY!!!! Have you been in Toronto, in January/February?? NOT pleasant.

So how about you all shut your muthafuckin' traps, stop your bitchin' 'cause lets face the facts. If presented with the option to be in here working, or out there in the cold winds, swaying, HIGH off the ground, I feel pretty confident that majority of the population in here would opt for the indoor noise!

And to that, I say, "HA! HA!"

Introducing Mr. Asshole and Mrs. Cuntface (They are not together, thank Jesus)

Today we are Asshole-Free!!! It's even BETTER than being Smoke-Free. Asshole is the kind of person whom thrives off of conflict. And the harsher the better. Pretty sure its how he gets off. Name Calling? A little tingle in his gnads. Yelling? Not quite so soft anymore. All of the above with redden faces, and he's handing you some pointers? He's hard as a muthafucka. Today is Asshole's Birthday. But any day he is away from the office is a "Birthday" for us! Joys of being thrown into a room together with nowhere to escape...

This is also the last week we will be Cuntface-Free. Oh, how I loathe thee. Two-faced, ugly-faced, big ass nose, nosy, loud, bitchy, know-it-all Cuntface. Can you get the vibe of my dislike? Well, she has been on Mat Leave, again, with barely a year in between.

Too fucking bad she feels the need to return. Oh, and lets not forget what happened just before the last time I spoke with her, just before she left…Seemingly sincere and concerned, I began to open up a little bit about my disorder and the first time I was off work. Nope, all a ploy to attack.

Cuntface: Have you thought about getting work somewhere else?

Me: No *Puzzled face*

Cuntface: Oh, well maybe you should. Especially if you can't deal with people, seeing as that’s a large part of our job.

(No, shit, really? I hadn't noticed. *Smack!*)

Me: I would have to deal with people no matter where I work.

Cuntface: Well, maybe you should. You are completely bringing down the whole department.

(Of course, she is speaking for everyone as if they are present, which they were NOT).

This ended with me going to my manager, who in turn went to HR. HR called down Cuntface, she was gone for quite awhile. She returned and we barely exchanged any words – which was MORE than fine with me.

I tense up a little every time I think of the coming Monday, June 20th. What will it be like? She will be even more obnoxious than last time, I am sure, seeing has she now has 2 children.

Gah.

Where the fuck is that hole to crawl into?

Disturbing Occurances...

Just after the New Year, I made a discovery that was a mixture of being depressed, grossed out and completely bewildered! My first love, childhood friend, playmate, was getting married. He proposed to his girlfriend over the holidays. Apparently even asked her mother (her father passed away last year, thats how they became closer) for her permission to marry her daughter.

Normally, this would just inflict feelings of sadness, what-ifs and a deep, deep feeling of loss. The disgust and disdain comes from this fact: his beautiful bride-to-be? His first cousin. Yup, that's right.

Now, I am not going to knock the whole "You can't help who you are attracted to…" jazz, because you can't. Honestly. The part that really gets at me though? You DON'T fucking ACT on it! Jesus Christ. Finding someone attractive, pretty, handsome, good looking (you see where this is going)…that’s human nature. First cousins, that is still a little too closely related for me! Yes, I know its not your sibling, but you still share what, 25-50% same genes? Show me where all the dilution is???

6 billion people on this earth. Lets go to your aunt Martha's and see what cousin Peggy-Sue is doing. Just combing her hair? Ah shucks, she prime ripe for picking, aka shove your nasty cock in her dirty cunt.

Wedding is this August *Shudder* - Can't WAIT to see what the kids look like (Complete sarcasm!)… One of my first impressions: Hmm, she knocked up already? (Note: I do not actually know if this is to be fact or not)

He wouldn't even fuck me when I was home 6 years ago. But apparently has no qualm about sticking it to his blood and flesh.

Oh, maybe I should mention our families are related too….6 TIMES REMOVED!!!

*Gag* Rant over. Thank you.

I can't see my "WhooHoo"...

I should start off by saying that I am pretty much shameless. i am the type of person at the BBQ, or party, hell, even at work, who will say things without always thinking first.

So with that said - I cannot see my "WhooHoo". Now, normally, this is a statement from a guy. His "WhooHoo" being his little member. I do not have a ding-a-ling, but nevertheless, my "WhooHoo" is in hiding. Not that I cannot "find" it at all! It's just...harder...and more cushioned.

I do have a plan. I will get my "WhooHoo" back! With eating better. Walking lots. And lots. With weights in my hands. I am determined! I miss my WHOOHOO!!! And I feel pretty confident that she misses me. Not too mention we both haven't seen any real action (sure a little bit of fun, but that was VERY rare), and I want to change that soon too...So we have to be in tip-top shape!!!!!

I'll keep ya posted on how the adventure goes!!!

Peachy Goodness

I am loving this. Living life like it should be lived. I am in the backyard, enjoying a drink (Wild Peach vodka cooler), pooch nearby (sniffing said drink), catching some rays!

I am also ferret-sitting, yup, you heard me! I would post some over-the-top adorable pics if my Blackberry wasn't being such a douche. For some reason, it no longer allows me the option to upload pics from it to my Facebook account. Meaning I will have to attached the Blackberry to the computer via USB cord (which I am sure will suddenly have disappeared from this realm). Pain in the ass.

But I will try for some later, maybe if I can locate said USB cord.


I am also contemplating mowing the grass...again...Yup, it would be MY fourth time. Bloody shit grows faster than the hairs under my armpits! I know, I know, not such a worldly description. Suck it up.

I am trying to remain all Zen and 'Meh' like, seeing as my original plans for the weekend went down the crapper. C'est la vie, non? Not much I can do against a car that won't start. Chloe is laying in the beautiful, green grass, making me realize that yes, it has grown quite a bit since I mowed it last - umm - Monday? No, Tuesday? Memory is MIA. Waiting for that next sip of alcohol.

And to that - I bid you ado - G'day!

The longing...it hurts...

Wanting what one cannot have – am internal battle of epic proportions and one that just about every human being experiences, at least once in his or her life.

It's that tingly feeling in the "pit of your stomach". Actually, its felt even lower than your stomach (most people actually do no realize how high up their stomach is).

The daydreams, of the "could be's…", the "maybes …" and of course the "what ifs…".

And until those daydreams are fulfilled, or otherwise forgotten about, one subjects themselves continuously to this "self-torture".

*sigh*

Under other news, went for a nice, unexpectantly loooooong walk last night. With 5lb weights in each hand. Was not so fun. But feels good. Like I am actually trying.

I want to date.

That is all for now.