(Unwillingly) Born-Again Virgin

I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never get laid again.

Pretty powerful statement, but for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. And believe me when I say that it is NOT for a lack of trying. Over a year now, OVER! I feel like decking any of my friends who sidle up to me (or text):

"Man, I totally need to get some. Its been so long"

"Ugh, I am going crazy. Need to get laid"

"I cant believe how long it has been!"

All this in reference to a couple months of dryness. A COUPLE OF MONTHS. How about all of you go fuck yourselves! Oh, and when I respond accordingly, "Yea, boo-fucking-hoo. Call me when its been over a year.", I get the response:

"Aww Hun! How do you do it?"

Like its some fucking choice? An allergic reaction to something that I must sustain from? Are you all fucking retarded? Do you THINK I like it this way??

I have had drunk moments, sweet moments, sensual moments. Any lead to some major whoopee for me? Not a chance. Am I that repulsive? Years ago, I couldn’t turn around without an opportunity hitting me in the face (sometimes a little too literally)…What has happened to me? Is the only way to get some to be completely slutty and have no self-respect for oneself?

*sigh* So, I have been feeling like a Born-Again Virgin. Yup. *shudder*

No. I am not religious in any fashion. I have not suddenly discovered a renewed friendship/following/cult-like adoration in a deity. Far from it, actually. But, with going so long, things MUST have gotten, ahem, tighter? I am probably tighter than a naïve 12 year old schoolgirl! (Think Madeline, sweet little french schoolgirl, always up to some silly antics. I am telling you, this chick probably grew up to be into some sick shit. S&M being mild!)

Hmm. Maybe this will just mean that when I do finally get it, it should feel fucking amazing, right?? Oh, and all you small dickers, you need not apply. I am yearning pretty badly, but not desperately!

Thank you. Have a nice day.